Domestic Violence Q & A

The following is a sample of an email I received on this subject.

 

Dear Salomon:

I received a call last night from my sister who is at her wit's-end. For 17 years she has endured verbal abuse, physical abuse, she has been kept a slave to her husband financially and forced to beg for grocery money although there have been times when they have been worth large sums of money. He is an alcoholic and has a bastard child with a woman who blackmailed him out of $30,000 worth of hush money prior to suing for child support. My syster has 5 children with this man. She stayed with him after the bastard child incident for the sake of her children. In the meantime, he has continued to gamble with their funds (which she has never been allowed to have a part in managing). They will be going bankrupt before the end of the year. My syster cannot depend on this man to take care of her and her children. Her greatest fear used to be finding a job to take care of her family. ***Her greatest fear now, is her safety and the safety of her children.*** The man has an explosive temper and acts out without thinking. MY SISTER IS CONVINCED THAT HER LIFE AND THE LIFE OF HER CHILDREN WOULD BE IN GREAT DANGER IF HE WAS CONFRONTED WITH THE PROSPECT OF LOSING HER AND THE CHILDREN. There is obviously very little for her to gain financially at this point. Her desire is to get away from this man and start a new life in Virginia. The children can start anew and the type of wages she could earn would better support the six of them in Virginia. And best of all, she could be a safe distance from this man who is tormenting her. MY QUESTION IS: CAN SHE FLEE TO VIRGINIA YET STILL FILE FOR DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA? CAN SHE HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER PUT ON THIS MAN FOR HER PROTECTION AND THE PROTECTION OF THE CHILDREN? IS THERE HOPE OF HER ESTABLISHING A LIFE WITH HER CHILDREN AWAY FROM THIS MAD MAN...PREFERRABLY IN VIRGINIA? Your guidance will be most appreciated.

Mar

Dear Mar,

The first step for you sister is for her to come forward herself. I normally avoid responding to inquiries from anyone other than the one whose problem is being discussed. I understand that sometimes there can be extenuating circumstances, and this may be such a case. Many people discuss these allegations in generalities, like “I’ve been abused for 17 years…” But when papers are filed with the court alleging domestic violence, it is important to provide specific instances of domestic violence in the immediate past, and it is best to have documentation from police reports, hospital or therapist records. I'm sure there are battered and abused women's services in your community. You would do your sister a great service to assist her in this first step. Once she is there, other questions will get resolved, step at a time.

I would also think through the idea of fleeing with the children across the country. Eventhough your sister may feel that she has been abused does not automatically mean that the children share this feeling. You have not discussed the relationship between the children and their father. If it can be established that the children are at risk under his care, he would still be entitled to limited or supervised contact. None of these issues are easy. I wish your sister the best.  

sq…