Child Custody and Visitation Q & A

The following is a sample of various emails discussing custody and visitation issues.

 

 

Dear Salomon

Please advise as to my rights when the "mother" of the children persistently, deliberately and willfully flaunts the visitation order that is specific as to time and place. I have heard tell of a "special master" who will assist the parties: how does one go about obtaining the assistance of this worthy? I am extremely frustrated as you can imagine. I look forward to any input.

Bonapart

 

Dear Bonaparte

A special master may be helpful in making decisions or refereeing where the two of you are unable to resolve your disputes. To have a special master appointed, you must file a motion to request it.   If the other parent is consistently violating the custody order you may have her cited for contempt of court if you have documented proof of specific violations. This may help in some cases, but it often just makes things worse. You could also file a motion for modification of the custody order as the law supports the parent who is better able to assure frequent and continuing contact with the other parent. Please remember that your decision making should be guided by your children’s best interests, not your feelings of being wronged.  

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From: ~~~ Julia ~~~

We discussed divorce, and he has told me that he will take me for every thing we have together. He says that he is going to get my son, because I am always at school, is this so, I am trying to better myself for a good career and future for my son and I, does he have legal right-

 

Will we be able to keep my son in Catholic school? He says that we will have to pull him out, because he is not paying for it.

 

And he also said that he is going to make up lies about me to the courts, he had nothing on me, I have done nothing but just become very unhappy in this marriage. He is a very unloving person, and I feel alone. Please can you lead me in the right direction? Do I stay in this marriage until I am done with my schooling, or until my son is 18? Do I have to go on that long being lonely and unhappy? Today is my 33rd birthday, and as a birthday gift, I need some sense of direction, I am so confused.

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Dear Salomon

Me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years now. We have a 2.5 year old girl. The last years have been real hard, a lot of arguing, and lack of love. We both are very responsible individuals, and love our daughter a lot. We have tried counseling with no help. We have talked about divorce several times. I believe that it would be emotional, yet I do not think there will be any fighting. Can we equally spit custody of our daughter? 

Bill

 

Dear Bill,

Joint legal and physical custody is becoming far more common today than ever. If the two of you can reach this agreement on your own, you will be far better off. You both need to respect each other’s parenting rights and responsibilities for it to work out. Good luck.

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Dear Salomon

What are the chances that a father will get custody in a divorce/ separation? The children are 2yrs and 1yrs old right now. The father works, but the mom stays at home.

Raz

 

Dear Raz,

The custody question you pose has nothing to do with gender. If the father is working and the mother is home with the children, it is doubtful that any court will reverse things right away. Wouldn't you agree?  This doesn't mean that you won't have your children with you when you are available to be with them.  Courts may be very generous if you are interested in being a good parent for your kids.  In the long term, there may be changes, as your wife may need to go to work.  As things change, your custody arrangements may also change.  

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Dear Salomon

I was browsing through the Web desperate for some information on divorce laws when I ran into your Web site’s Q&A section.

I am almost to a point of desperation to find someone to give me an honest answer as it is hard to find lawyers that don't tell you right off that they will give you the world if you tell them that you want it.

I am currently going through a divorce. We have not files yet. I was hoping to do it through a paralegal, but she has decided that she wants everything because she feels that since I am the one that left, she deserves it.

I am currently paying all of the daycare and have our child about 50% of the time. She is convinced that she is going to take my boat, my daughter, and force me to pay her child support forever. I do not care about the material things and only wants to see my daughter half the time and not have to pay child support as I want to know that the money I spend on her goes to her and to her mother's checking account. Through this whole thing I have been reasonable and rational and she has been irrational.

My question is, what is the chance of me getting my daughter half the time and not having to pay child support and what is the chances of her getting everything?

I am sorry this is such a lengthy question. I would appreciate an honest answer. Thank you,

Paw

 

Dear Paw,

You want to know who will get custody and how much support will  be?  Well...

 

You say that you are sharing the custody of the child on approximately an equal basis. You haven't stated why there would be a change other than the threats you are hearing from your wife. It is important to know how long the current arrangement has been in effect, and how well it is working out.

 

It is all too common for angry people to make threats to "take the kids" or "take him for all he's got," etc., but the reality of it is that anger and threats have nothing to do with outcome. Both parties should see that the only way to come out ahead is to reach an amicable agreement. Obviously, it takes two rational people to do so. When either has it in their head that they will do better by fighting, nothing will be accomplished, except more heartache.

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Salomon:

Since my husband is irresponsible when left me with the children, will it assist me by having "eye-spy" cameras installed in our home to show his inability or lack of willingness to care for his children (in order to gain full custody)? Thank you for your assistance.

CAR

 

Dear CAR,

If your husband left you and the children, it would be very difficult for him to convince a court to change the custody arrangement that he voluntarily created by leaving you with the children. In some cases, one party leaves the home with the intention of seeking joint or full custody through the courts, so it is important to know how long this current arrangement has been in effect. If he left yesterday, I doubt that it would make much difference in the custody decision. If it was a year ago, I doubt that he would have much success convincing a court to change things now, but again, it always depends on the facts in each case and the needs of the children. Obviously there are many issues that go into determining what is in the children's best interests. Secretly videotaping him might place you in a negative light and backfire on you. If your husband is interested in helping to care for the children, you should consider this to be a good thing for the children. It is usually best for children to have two parents who love them and want to care for them. I hope you and your husband can turn your focus to finding a way to do what is best for the children. Anger, even when justified, is rarely helpful.

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Dear Salomon,

My husband of 8 years is an Airline Pilot and does 6 days a month duty with the Air Force reserves. For the past 5 years I have been at home with our 4.5 year old son. I left my business as a video producer to support our son and my husbands career. Now he tells me he's been unfaithful and wants a divorce (Good Ridence!) My question is, what are my chances of getting sole physical and legal custody with ample visitation given my husband is out-of-town 20 days a month?

Cy

 

Dear Cy

Assuming you are doing a reasonable job of taking care of your little boy, you should be awarded primary physical custody. If the father requests an extensive visitation plan, I would expect that he would be granted ample visitation when he is home unless there is an important reason for him not to have reasonable visitation. If he is like most dads, he should be interested in your son having a happy and well-adjusted life, just as you do. Sometimes people can resolve these things directly between themselves without a struggle or third parties and other times a mediator is helpful just to create the right environment for the discussion. Let me know if we can help, we often bring the couple together to resolve the marital dissolution by agreement, here in the office.

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Dear Salomon

I filed for divorce and my husband received the papers and took me to court. We went through the mediation and made some agreements on the children and what I would receive. I had my paralegal type up the support and visitation forms and sent them to him its been about 3 months and he hasn't signed and returned them. My paralegal told me that my divorce was final in 6 months from the day I filed even though he hasn't sign the support and visitation papers. It's now more than 6 months since I filed. Is my divorce final? He is paying me the support we agreed on and we are using the visitation schedule. Do I really need to have those papers signed to be divorced. 

Thanks

Mar

 

Dear Mar

No, you are not divorced. Nothing is automatic about the divorce process. If your husband is refusing to sign the divorce papers, you will have to move your case forward by having it placed on the trial calendar or you may be able to proceed by default if he has not filed a Response to the Petition. You should discuss your situation with an attorney, as I doubt that your paralegal will be able to help you if your husband refuses to sign. Good luck.

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Question:

My husband and I are in the process of divorce. Does the fact that he changed from a seldom-drinking, non-drug-taking, fairly faithful husband to an adulterer living with an ex-stripper, to a foul mouthed, drug taking drinker who only thinks about how he can save money for himself-does that change have any bearing on how the courts proceed in giving custody. If I have witnesses that he is living in an adulterous situation in the presence of my children who visit him on weekends; If I have witnesses that he lies, drinks, does drugs and uses foul mouthed language in front of our children, will that have any bearing on custody rights? In other words, does morality mean anything in a divorce case? Have our courts drifted so far away from right and wrong that they do not consider morality as important in granting custody? Thanks for listening to me.

Sincerely,

D. G.

 

Dear D.G.,

The issue in all custody cases is the best interests of the children, which is subject to many interpretations. Your children should have a big say in the custody decision if they are of a suitable age and maturity to be able to express a reasonable preference. I agree that the ethical and moral environment that each parent can provide for the children is important. Keep in mind, though, that even though you may be awarded custody of the children, the father will normally be awarded a reasonable visitation schedule.  He is their father, for better or worse. During the court mediation, if there are serious issues with drinking or abuse, the court mediators should assist in making the visitation orders that protect the children from risks.  In extreme cases, supervised visitation may be ordered. 

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Dear Salomon,

I am a 30 year old male in the US Air Force currently stationed at a California Air Force Base. My wife (of eight years) and I have four children (ages 8 and under). I suspect that she and her family are planning an "escape" if you will. She has been crying on their shoulder about her disappointment in me for sometime now, and I believe that they are planning to take her and our children to South Carolina, her folks' state of residence. I am convinced that my wife's family is dysfunctional (to say the least). What steps do I take in securing my children's future (and mental well-being) when I tell her that I want a divorce and full custody of our children. Bear in mind that my wife suffers from severe depression and has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, agoraphobia and depression (she is currently taking Paxil). Is there anything I can do to make a clean break without dragging my kids through a court-custody battle between myself and my wife's family?

Capt Desperate

 

Dear Capt

Your situation sounds quite difficult. If you have decided to file for divorce, you could request custody and seek an order preventing her from removing the children from California.

 

Other than your concerns regarding your wife's mental state, you have given me no information regarding your family's daily routines or any other information that is important in a custody case, such as whether you and your wife are both working or if one party is at home with the children. If your wife is home with the children and you are working, you would have a difficult time seeking custody. If you feel that joint custody would work for your family, you should look for a solution that would allow you to maximize your time with the children when you are not at work.

 

I don't mean to minimize the very serious problems you describe regarding your wife's current mental status, but I hate to see you approach these issues as a basis for attacking her. Unfortunately, people seem to look for the defects in their spouses when they have custody disagreements. In an ideal world both parents would look for ways of helping each other in their times of need. If you look at these issues from the standpoint of how they affect the welfare of the children, you will find ways to help her. You don't want the children to see you attacking their mother when she is down. 

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